What a mess or What every young women should know

Look, I’m not some old fuddy duddy; I had my ‘wild days’.  I spent time drinking & dancing & having fun with friends. I wore the fashions of the day – tube tops, silky shirts, designer jeans so tight that I had to lie down on the bed to get them zipped up.  I wore nice clothes too – shirts & skirts for those dressier events.

I did, however, manage to remember to put on underwear.  I just don’t think that’s something that’s easily forgotten.  Well, perhaps at the end of an evening you could justify forgetting (or misplacing) them, but you should realize there’s something missing before you leave the house, right?

I suspect most of us have heard (or worse, seen) the photos of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan (and a myriad of others who have neglected to finish dressing before leaving the house) in a skirt so short as to be confused for a belt and getting into and out of a low-riding car.  I’m not linking to them, but believe me, you won’t have a hard time finding them on the web.

C’mon girls.  This doesn’t take an intellectual genius to figure out (lucky for all of you!).  

When I was in junior high school, skirts were pretty short, well, really short.  My mother would have me try on a particular outfit I wanted and then say, "Bend over, like you’re in science class and looking into a microscope." If my underwear showed, that outfit went back on the rack.  There was no debating it.

As I got older, I realized all on my own that there were some things that were supposed to be reserved for private moments.  I deemed that showing upper and lower private parts to be among those things.  I was also able to figure out how to get into and out of an automobile (and other seated positions) without exposing myself to others. I know that the bar has been lowered dramatically in recent years, but I don’t think it’s yet reached to point where the bar has to be eliminated altogether.

So here’s my advice:

1.  Write a yellow sticky note and post it on your front door that says "Underwear?!".   If required, draw a little picture of panties and a bra, just to make sure you understand.  Check all relevant areas to make sure that said undergarments are in place prior to leaving the house.

2.  Check your hem length.  Get dressed, then bend over, then squat down.  If you feel and breeze or coolness on your private parts, underwear is a requirement. 

P.S.:  In this exercise, thongs are not underwear.  Thongs under jeans or pants are fine, but they do not preserve your modesty under a short skirt.

3.  Two months after giving birth is way too soon to forgo a bra.  No matter how much weight you’ve lost.  Strap ’em in for a while longer — please.  Breasts swollen from pregnancy aren’t sexy, their saggy.

4.  If you want to be taken seriously, cover up.  No, I’m not talking burka here.  I’m saying classy and sophisticated with ensure a longer and more respected career than slutty and low-brow.  Bright-eyed beats drunken mess every time.  Further, America is much more willing to forgive and forget a male drunken mess than a female drunken mess.  Unfair?  Yes, but true.  And, at any time you billed yourself or accepted the label of America’s Sweetheart, Pop Princess, or any term containing bubbly or perky and you’ve got a long road ahead of you.

5.  If you are aiming to stick it to your soon-to-be ex; and if he is prepared to use custody of the children as a weapon to get his fingers on some more of your dough, don’t give him any ammunition.  Leaving your infant and toddler with who knows who while you go on a multi-day club hop is asinine.  I can understand wanting to get out and blow the stink off after having 180 pounds of dung draped around your neck for two and a half years, but you’re a mom.  It’s your job to raise your children, nobody else’s.  No matter how many nannies you have or how much you’re paying them, these are your children.  Just because the sperm donor doesn’t wish to participate does not mean you’re allowed to pass too.

6.  Hire a stylist if you can’t figure it out on your own.

7.  Keep private parts and private moments private.  Oh, and can celebrities PLEASE stop making sex tapes…Jeez! That is all.

See?  Classy vs. Trashy!  


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